theafflicted | 05 - week five

[ IT'S A COMPLICATED FEELING. LET HIM LIVE HIS BEST TITS OUT LIFE.

he does keep his hand there, letting him lean into the touch and just watching him while he thinks about the question for a few moments. ]

I just wish I knew how to make you feel better about all this.

[ the regrets, mainly.

he steps a bit closer, bumping their foreheads together and closing his eyes. ]

Our bond was able to stop me. That I was able to listen to your words. I wanted to fight him with every fiber of my being, but you stopped me.

[ where luffy couldn't. ]

But I don't want that to become some kind of bigger regret.

[ CLEARLY SABO IS. but ace can't feel bad while doing so. he can't have it both ways!!!!

as ace says nothing, sabo will also say nothing and just quietly bask in whatever is currently existing between the two of them. it's not a feeling he has with luffy and not just because of the time they haven't spent with one another. it's always probably been like this.

unfortunately for ace as well is that sabo doesn't offer an answer to ace when he tells sabo about what he wishes he could do. he doesn't have an answer for that. was there even anything anyone could do? the most sabo ever hopes for is that he moves on from it. so, he responds to the part that he can speak to. ]

If things were a bit different, I would have wanted to do that too. I would have tried to tear him apart with everything that I'm made of.

[ sabo will bring his hand up between them as he turns his head to lean it against ace's, his temple pressed against ace's forehead, and flexes his fingers to take on the "claw"-like form he uses for his signature attacks. ]

I'll just have to settle for what I'm already doing. The effects of it are far less selfish and will help more people.

[ he can have it both ways. that's just how ace is. a fool, really.

and this does feel vastly different than what it is with luffy. he's always wanted to protect him and even in the end, when it was the reverse, when he was dying in luffy's arms, it never felt like this.

but he doesn't seem to mind. anyone else and he would have long since pulled away from any touch. he's not really the type to show this kind of intimacy freely. but being this emotional vulnerable lends itself to this kind of touch. ]

Will it help you, too?

[ because even if sabo doesn't plan to change what he's doing for the Greater Good, he can still ask these questions. still try to support sabo as he can, even if it's only here. ]

[ greedy, you mean.

but you know, for however long ace will want to keep up with this, sabo will be more than fine to indulge. he hasn't been adverse to the physical affections from another person as much as ace was. he also isn't as free with the affections as luffy is but luffy is an entirely different level. sabo has always been the "mild" middle ground of the two.

besides, he knows when something is special and will cherish it for as long as he can have it. you know, even if he doesn't quite connect all of the dots as to the deeper meaning behind all of it. ]

Do you think that it won't?

[ sincerely asked because, well, why would it not? sabo's known what it's like to be trapped surrounded by filth that suffocates you. he was able to see the cruelty of humanity and the world nobles first hand. the way the world kowtows before them. if he could dismantle that entire system—why wouldn't it help him? ]

[ okay, well, yeah. that, too.

it's a wonder how long he'll be leaning into this affection like this. but given that no one is around to see it does help. (aside from whatever is observing them.) ]

I just have to ask.

[ he wants to make sure that sabo isn't completely putting himself last. having some goal and wanting to better the world is great, but forgetting himself isn't. ]

[ it's fine to be greedy about a few things or everything if you're, you know, a pirate.

it probably also is a bit strange to be standing around and doing this in the middle of the courtyard. there are benches that they could sit on and still do this sort of thing. maybe. the thought might cross sabo's mind eventually, especially since he isn't doing much with his hands as they fall to his side. ]

It will, Ace. [ softly with some humor. ] Even if this kills me.

[ because it would have been worth it. obviously he has no plans of dying, but he's putting his life into this cause. just as ace won't run away from a fight once he's started one, sabo won't do things in halves. ]

[ it suits him well, then.

as long as no one is looking at them, ace doesn't really think about the location or if it's a little weird. who cares about being proper. ]

I'll make sure it doesn't.

[ does he mean he'll be with him? or does he mean the flame that carries on his will? it's hard to say. either way, he wants sabo knowing he's got his back in the fight. ]

[ AT LEAST THEY COULD BE SITTING...

and you know, if ace isn't putting too much stock into it then sabo isn't either. mainly because there's nothing wrong happening here? hard to say if he would be embarrassed if someone approached them while they were like this or not. (mainly because it's ace who is the one who is doing the touching...) ]

Will you now? [ a soft chuckle. it's a bit of a bittersweet one, but he is appreciative of it. ] Thanks Ace.

[ in sabo's mind, it will be the "ace" that he has grown accustomed to—the flame that he has become. the will that he has inherited and will carry out. the ace that stands before him is someone he wants, but he knows better. whatever promise he was made at the very beginning isn't meant to be taken down in any further value.

and god. what the fuck is he supposed to do with his idle hands?? ]

[ BUT THEY'RE NOT...

yeah, it's really good no one is coming upon this scene, since it would likely end very promptly. ace really isn't thinking about it being embarrassing or not, just kind of rolling with what feels right. ]

Of course. We'll always be together.

[ honestly, he doesn't know what he's to do after this. if he goes back to his time, he's just going to be killed again, most likely. or maybe he'd survive? it's hard to say. things are so up in the air of what would happen now that he's alive again.

hands are always a problem. ]

[ WHY CAN'T THEY?

and while ace's words are touching, they're also still very bittersweet and painful to hear. if only because...well. ]

I'd prefer it if it was like this. [ looks like someone figured out what to do with his hands. and before sabo says anything else, he places the palm of his left hand to the center of ace's chest scar. he doesn't mean to bring focus to it and he hasn't brought it up ever but it was out of politeness.

if ace ever thought for a moment that sabo didn't notice it then he really is an idiot. stupider than even luffy. ] Having you here and being able to talk to you with you being able to respond to me.

[ because even if ace existed within the flame he inherited, he couldn't touch ace like this. he wouldn't be able to hear ace's reactions or see them. being with someone was important but being with someone is irreplicable. ]

[ THEY COULD, if sabo really wants to.

there's a small breath that ace takes in when sabo touches his chest like that. it's an odd sensation and he has no idea what it means. ]

Can't it be?

[ yeah, they talked about focusing on the now and not what's to come, but sometimes... what's to come of their future is also important, okay. they can still figure out the present while talking hypotheticals once this is done. ]

I don't have to just be a flame, do I?

[ unless sabo thinks he can't come back like that. if things would be too complicated for him to be there. ]

[ eventually then but not right now as sabo is going to derail by what ace brings up. sabo is pretty confident that ace is referring to the present him being able to come home(?) with him but, would that be okay? could that even happen? the ace before him is dead.

dead but also somehow alive—breathing, speaking, laughing, and eating with him. doing all of the things he would be doing if he was actually alive. a living presence that he's touching (and touching him) presently. ]

Huh?

[ so, no, he is not considering ace being able to come back simply because he changed things up in a memory. after all, how would that even work? ]

Well... I was thinking. Where else am I going to go after this?

[ since he'll be alive, from what sabo told him. unless the idea is that he should stay here or go back to face his death again, potentially. ]

Unless that thing isn't possible.

[ maybe he was misunderstanding something? maybe he has to go back from the exact moment he left. ]

[ ah.

sabo sure did tell him that but seemingly a lot has happened since then and sabo isn't trusting whatever lorelei told him at the beginning. (there's a lot that he is no longer sure about—it part of the reason why he wants to figure out what's going on here.) however, if there was anything that he wanted to be true it would be this. at the same time, all words die on his tongue and he looks a bit distressed if not lost longer than he'd like.

he could have everything he wanted. (what is it that he wanted?) ]

I...

[ his voice trails. the way his voice trails and lacks the ability to say anything is uncharacteristic of him. he's normally so confident in what he says and how he acts, but not right now. he's unsure and finds himself focusing his attention on ace's scar. his fingers caressing it slightly. ]

I wouldn't know what it would mean if you did.

[ ... ]

If that was possible.

[ there's a subtle shiver that runs down his spine from that caressing sabo does. it is a pretty major idea. it could be a huge upset for everything, if it's even possible. ]

So you think I shouldn't try?

[ sabo was always more of the brains of the operation, he'd have a better answer to all of it. he'd be able to think up all the hypotheticals. ]

[ just because he was normally the brains of an operation doesn't mean he's infallible, or able to always think things through logically and objectively. honestly, he's more often than not thinking things in a very selfish way. kind of like he is right now. of course, the first thing he thinks of is luffy.

what would happen with luffy if ace never returned? what would that do? he couldn't ever do anything that would sadden luffy. not to mention what about the him that exists in the world that ace knows? unless...the ace before him is the same ace that died in his version and nothing would change. well. not nothing as he would have ace with him.

he thinks and thinks and thinks....(the answer is easy. right? he knows what he wants.) and the silence that grows from sabo's lack of ability to give ace an answer feels uncomfortable and he lowers his head so he can rest it on ace's shoulder. ]

I won't say that.

[ the answer is whatever needs to be done so that you live. ]

I'd never say that.

[ he brings his hand up to rest on the back of sabo's head, holding him there. this isn't an easy topic and he knows it. but it's still something that should be talked about eventually.

and even if they changed things in a memory, it doesn't mean that things were actually changed. it's only in ace's mind that things were altered. and he knows that feeling of living past that day... and he doesn't want to let it end there.

he wants to be selfish and continue on. sail the world with sabo by his side. he knows he has things to accomplish and do, but after that, he should be able to live his life. and he wants to be there to assure he has that future. ]

Then maybe we could do that.

[ what would happen if there are two people that have the fire fruit? would they both be able to keep it? would they be tied together and able to use it more easily in tandem? would their wills end up overlapping...? ]

[ even though sabo is (barely) taller than ace, he feels so much smaller all of a sudden as ace places his hand on the back of his head. actually, he would love to be smaller. just this once. ]

...okay.

[ he wants to tell ace that he should be prepared for the worst since it's better to be cautious than to overly optimistic. it's what he would tell anyone else but then, is he any better? he's certainly no stranger to running head first into something that he hasn't thought things through trusting in his ability to decide on the fly.

"do as i say and not as i do", not a saying that's entirely false when dealing with him and yet all of this is different. if the situation was just ever slightly different he would be thrown into a rage, but he can't even get mad at what is going on. (what would he get mad at? his hope?) instead just keeps his hand pressed against ace's scar and his head on ace's shoulder. ]

[ he leans his head to the side just a little bit to rest against sabo's. it's a very soft touch, but it feels so very intimate. everything about this makes him feel like they're the only two that matter. it isn't true, but in the moment, that's just how it seems.

ace has never been one to back down when he wants to do something or he desires something. so, he's honestly glad that sabo isn't trying to talk him out of this or telling him it's a terrible idea.

they both know this might not happen and they both know that it might not work out, but that doesn't mean they can't be selfish here and try.

his fingers tighten just a little in sabo's hair. ]

I want to be able to live while knowing that I deserve to.

[ sure, he's had that here, but it's a little different going to their world and actually feeling he deserves to live there. even if technically he shouldn't be able to, that doesn't matter. ]

[ ...

well, not sure what ace was aiming for with that statement but it probably isn't for sabo to bite him in the shoulder as he balls the hand on ace's chest into a fist. sabo doesn't punch him but it isn't a love bite by any means. the reaction so quick and almost visceral. ]

Don't say that. [ sabo snaps as he raises his head. ] Don't make it sound like all of a sudden you've regretted the life that you lived.

[ even if that wasn't what ace meant by it, that's how it immediately sounded to him. given the absolute lack of distance between them sabo stares ace right in the eyes and watches for any kind of hesitation. he won't give ace a single inch to explain himself or excuse what he said.

sabo has held onto the words that ace told him when they first got here—he died happy. that was the answer that he wanted to know for so long and what tortured him. if he could remember nothing else about what happened here and if everything else went to crap, as long as he could remember that ace died happy then he would be fine. he found worth in his life even if he hadn't realized it sooner. if ace even hinted otherwise— ]

Don't.

[ there's a sharp yelp at the bite and he's about to ask why sabo did that. very quickly, though, he has his answer before he could ask.

that really wasn't what he meant and he frowns that it came out like that. he doesn't regret how he lived, not one bit. he lived for an answer and he got it. he did what he wanted, as well, and he enjoyed the things he'd done. ]

That wasn't...

[ he sighs. it really did sound bad now that he thinks about it. he'd look away from sabo, but he feels like he owes it to him to keep his gaze fixed there. ]

It's more... [ hm. ] I don't know how to say it better.

[ to be able to accept that other people care for him like sabo and luffy do? he's not sure how he would live that kind of life, honestly. would it really be that different? maybe not at all. ]

But I wouldn't erase any of it. Sorry it sounded like that.

[ please forgive him. ]

[ sabo watches ace very carefully as he stumbles through his reply to him and says nothing. it's clear that ace understood why he got upset and that was good. the harshness of his outburst was fading little by little but agitation took a bit longer, and it's not until ace apologizes that sabo eases off.

he unclenches his fist and flattens out his hand once again then brings up his other hand to take a hold of one of ace's wrists to bring it down to their side. ]

Just live, Ace.

[ that's all sabo wants for ace. he wants ace alive. (he wants to create more memories with his best friend—his brother.) he just wants ace to keep the living the life he had chose for himself. good, bad, stupid, and whatever and so on and so forth. ]

If you get another chance... [ outside of estelline and back on the open ocean that they call home. ] Just live.

[ and then, maybe, at the very end of it all he can hear something different from ace. not that he died happy or that he was glad that everyone loved him but something else. what would sabo like to hear from ace under those circumstances he has no idea... but just hopefully it will be something not as bittersweet. ]

[ he takes those words in silently, letting them settle in before nodding softly. yeah, sabo is right in that it's exactly how it should be. ]

You're right.

[ him admitting that he is so easily is a testament to how he knows his initial words weren't what he should have said. this was more of a sentiment he meant with his statement.

he never knew he'd be hoping so much to live a longer life. while he accepted his death when the time came, having that second chance is something he'd gladly reach out and grab if he's allowed. ]

[ there's the urge to be snotty and tell ace this is why he should just listen to him because he was often right, however he knows that it isn't the time for that. instead, he lets himself feel a sense of satisfaction of that it was just that easy and gives ace a small smile and laughs softly.

as sabo allows that brief moment of tension distance itself from them, he remembers something that he also said during that memory. looking back at it, it was kind of embarrassing to say that in front of strangers but... ]

I'm thankful that you were born, Ace.

[ just as he said he would. despite leaving some of the other parts, he knows that the sentiment is there and that he'd repeat it as many times as necessary (and probably beyond). ]

[ ahh, this is where he gets embarrassed. jeez, sabo. these's a limit to things. he, very gently, shoves him, but doesn't push him away.

even so, he's not going to run away from these feelings being exchanged. at least not right now. but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel extremely vulnerable with sabo right now. at least it's with him, though.

normally he'd say something to break the mood, but maybe just this once, he'll let it linger. ]

And I'm glad you're still alive, Sabo.

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