02.50 - week two, saturday

[afflictionmods]

W2 SATURDAY

Like last Saturday, everyone will get an announcement on their tablets; this time, the announcement is preceded with a bell of some sort before Lorelei appears on the screen again.

"Good morning, everyone. This is an announcement to let you know that today's lesson will take place starting at 8:15 tonight. Again, today's lesson will be starting at 8:15. Please meet at the lower campus exit near the lecture by 8:00pm; Florence will be waiting for you there.

If you have a bag for some snacks and, perhaps, an item you can use for self-defense in the case of an emergency, please arrive with those things on you. We will provide you with an overview of what to expect when you arrive at 8pm.

Thank you."

The alert ends.

You have the day to prepare, ask each other what the hell is happening -- Florence and Lorelei do not seem to be available, strangely enough. There's a lot to take in with the information you have now. But before you know it... night falls.

FULL NAV

(CODE)

Comments

[catarou]

Would you prefer if I said I were alright?

[ He fixes Fai with that cold look, then lets out a quiet laugh. It doesn't sound nice at all. ]

What a ridiculous question.

[partymagician]

[ Ugh. Even more unsettling.

But Fai tries to balance it out with the niceness he’s always shown Gentaro. The sort of lightheartedness all of their interactions have had so far. ]

I guess it is! Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong then?

[catarou]

[ It's not at all Fai's fault that Gentaro's eyes narrow. It's not his fault, but even if Gentaro realizes that, all those nasty, messy feelings he tries to choke down have risen to the surface. ]

I think not. [ He spreads his hands in front of him, palms outward. ] The offer is kind, but it will do no good in the end. Forging connections, opening up to people, looking toward a brighter future-- All of that can be broken as if made of brittle glass.

If I were to crack open my chest and bear the weight that presses down upon my heart, it would do no good in the end. You could so very easily reach in and crush it until nothing remains.

[partymagician]

[ You know... he understands that feeling. He feels it deep, deep down in his chest. Why have connects when you could be hurt, or even worse, hurt them instead?

However... ]

Or, you could see someone start to open up and smile a little more because you showed them care. You could see them grow confident in themselves and learn to enjoy life.

[ ... ]

Connections aren't one-sided. You miss out on seeing the good that you can do for others, even if the possibility of being hurt is still there.

[catarou]

[ ...

In his current state, that does nothing to assuage his resentment. Later, he will remember those words and know how true they are. But now-- now, he isn't rational or willing to entertain the idea, even if he's seen it with his own eyes. Gentaro is a stubborn man, especially when caught up in messy, complicated emotions. ]

"Could" is not enough. What could happen is never a guarantee. The good things that could happen are so very often impossible, as I have seen myself.

[ His cold expression holds, if a bit tighter and more chilling. But there's a look in his eyes that's downright vicious. ]

You have been hurt, hm? Was it because you clung so tightly to the possibilities that you could not see the most probable result? I was once like that. Those connections I chased so desperately only resulted in derision from those to whom I extended my hand.

[partymagician]

[ He hates this, mostly because he has struggled with those same things and often still feels them.

It's strange having to talk to someone else with those same feelings. He's been turned on so many times in his life, all for a variety of reasons. And even though he thinks most of those reasons were his fault... ]

Doesn't loneliness only magnify the pain you've experienced from others?

[catarou]

Why should it?

[ It's an automatic reply, practiced and too even. ]

Loneliness is far more preferable to allowing myself to feel more pain. I am not unused to being lonely. It is simply the way things must be.

[ It's a convincing lie... but his profile doesn't back that up.

Likes: His Posse. ]

[partymagician]

[ It sure doesn't!

Fai smiles a little. ]

I used to feel that way too. I thought being alone was better for everyone. But now... I feel a little bit differently.

[ He pauses. ]

And I know you do too, just from what I've read on your profile.

[catarou]

[ ...

He could have spoken those words himself. Somehow, that cuts through the brunt of his resentment, and for a fleeting moment, something in his expression softens the edges of his jagged razor-edge of his resentment.

--His resentment?

... ]

You sound very confident about what you've read on my profile. Tell me... if those you allowed in were to turn their backs on you and reject you thoroughly, what then?

[partymagician]

I would be sad, but I would continue on.

[ He thinks of Syaoran, the cold look he had in his eyes as he knocked Fai down from trying to save him. ]

I would look at it beyond my perspective and realize that some things were out of anyone's control. Someone rejecting you isn't always your fault or a reflection of your value.

cw identity issues

[catarou]

[ Continuing on... He doesn't show it outwardly, not really, aside from another flicker of unreadable emotion. But something about Fai's words digs deep into the layers and layers of resentment.

(and maybe all of that resentment was always there, directed inward and waiting to consume him completely)

It would be painful if he were to lose anyone he loves, but Gentaro has always been a man of action despite appearances. He would find a way to continue on. He isn't sure how to feel about those four last words, because Gentaro is so deep in his lie that he doesn't know if he remembers how to simply be.

He exhales, the bittersweetness of what Fai says squeezing around his heart. He exhales, and the ghoul loosens its grip on him. It didn't take a huge confrontation, really, for the thing to leave, but when it comes down to it, Gentaro is someone who feels deeply, who values the words of people he's fond of. He wonders when that changed--that he should become fond of someone so quickly, but he truly has learned a thing or two from Dice and Ramuda.

The ghoul glares at Gentaro, hateful and caustic. It could try again, but maybe it doesn't think Gentaro's worth another try. With one more scathing look, it leaves.

His shoulders drop somewhat, weariness and relief all jumbled up together in such a way that the only thing he can think to say right away is-- ]

... How exhausting.

[partymagician]

[ When Gentaro's shoulders drop, Fai knows that he's back to normal. Well... as normal as he can be after being possessed.

Fai reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder. ]

It is, isn't it?

[catarou]

[ He lets out a heavy sigh as he presses a hand to his face. There's a brief moment when he stiffens under Fai's touch, but it last only a second.

Physical comfort--Gentaro isn't used to that. Not from anyone but Dice and Ramuda. But he's grateful for it, all the same. ]

I admit, I'm not quite used to... that. [ He leaves it just vague enough, because he's felt it plenty. He just doesn't let anyone else see. He pulls his hand away from his face, glancing to Fai. ] ... I apologize. You didn't deserve even a fraction of that. But I am grateful.

... Thank you.

[partymagician]

Of course.

[ Honestly, he thinks that Gentaro has no reason to thank him, because Fai was just doing what he should. But he knows that denying his gratitude isn't the right thing to do here. ]

Don't worry about apologizing to me, though. I know it wasn't really you saying all of that, so I won't hold any of that against you.