theafflicted | 🎉🎉🎉

[She looks unbothered, which is a relief, but he's an idol too. He knows they're exceedingly good, even trained to hide their discomfort or unease. But his smile loosens up slightly.]

Sorry to bring up something bad, but how're you holding up? The shocks got you pretty bad, didn't they?

[She cried, and he felt the alarm. It was enough at the time that he tried to comfort her while maintaining his composure, but it's really his worst fear about this place being realized. The fact that they feel each other's pain means she felt the effect of four shocks, just as he did. They were mild enough, but who's to say it'll stay mild? No, the Instructor implied that it wouldn't be so easy going forward.

He's worried.]

Oh... I'm sorry. I've never... I'm used to aches and the sort from dance practice and working out, and archery. But I've never been shocked like that before, and it was so sudden... I didn't mean to worry you.

( that's not what he's checking on, but she feels the need to say it anyways. )

You handled it really well... Thank you for holding me, at the time.

[He hangs his head for a moment, thinking. He's honestly prepared to do something drastic already, even if he knows she had a totally normal and understandable reaction. It's not that she didn't... it's that Madara barely flinched. It's that he's fine with worse, to a degree, and he knows that means he might forget himself, or he might hold back because of her. If this gets ugly...

No, he can't jump to conclusions about things that haven't happened yet.

Raising his head, he beams again.]

You dooon't need to thank me or anything! We're a team, right? So I'm looking out for you, and doing the best I can with it. You'd have my back, too, if it came to it. Idols have to stick together, you knooow?

( he's doing it again.

the thought itself catches shizuku off guard, and she blinks for a moment before frowning softly. )

... Madara? Do you dislike being thanked? You always seem to shrug it off, if someone tries.

If I try.

And... I can't say that I understand why. But when I try, and you say that... I feel more like a burden than your equal. Like I have to be taken care of and it's expected... I don't want to be one more trouble.

[He clasps his hands together between his knees and leans forward a bit, grinning.]

You caught me! I'm not the kind of guy you ought to thank, is all. You're not a burden or any kind of trouble, either. Honestly, if somebody's stronger and more capable of handling things, they ought to handle them. Isn't that just the right way of doing things? Well... "right" is kind of strong. Maybe it's just my way, but that's how I am.

[He thinks back to the times he's failed to be there for people who needed him. Kanata. Leo. Anzu. Even Kohaku. Nobody gets hurt on his watch, not when he can get hurt instead.]

But to tell you the truth, I'm frustrated.

( shizuku hums thoughtfully, but the frown doesn't let up just yet. )

I disagree. You've been nothing but kind, thoughtful and helpful. That alone, regardless of anything else, is worthy of gratitude. You've gone out of your way to take care of others, myself included, too- and... putting yourself out for the sake of my comfort, too. ... I'm not saying "thank you" out of obligation, or anything like that. So... won't you accept it?

( and yes she is absolutely hitting him with the 🥺 )

... Tell me about it. Even if it's just someone to talk to, I want to help. Please?

[If he accepts her gratitude, he doesn't say so in so many words. He just continues to smile and glosses over it. It it hurts her, he'll apologize, but he hasn't done anything noteworthy. He's done what he can to meet people and learn about them, to encourage people to build bonds so they'll be stronger. He's stayed out of the room a lot and out of Shizuku's way, simply because if she's uncomfortable, he knows he'll feel it. Talk about weird.

In his eyes, everything he's done so far was self-serving first and helpful second. Shizuku doesn't know him, so she doesn't know he has motives and plans. She thinks he's a nice person.

Hilarious. But he takes her inquiry seriously. She can't help, or so he thinks, but hiding this sentiment in particular from her strikes him as oddly cruel.]

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I'm the absolute worst partner you could possibly have been given here.

( shizuku frowns even more, and she's been frowning a lot, huh? but that feels like a weird conclusion to draw- especially considering she's seen partners be violent with each other. )

What do you mean?

[He wonders if he should have been preparing this speech since the second he knew they'd have partners.]

I mean that I'm going to end up hurt, and it's going to get you hurt. No matter how you slice it, I'm the kind of guy who gets himself into bad situations and doesn't look back. You'll think we ought to run, but I'll just stand there and take it.

[He's looking at her incredibly seriously.]

You don't have a thing to learn from a guy like me. I suspected that from the beginning, but now I'm mad about it.

( there's a part of her that wonders if she's the only one who needs to learn something- if this attitude in general is why he's here. but she's unsure if she should say it... but it'll come out eventually, won't it?

... would he accept it if she was the one to suggest it, though? )

... Maybe it's not about what you can give me. But that's all you've focused on, isn't it?

( this, at least, is not accusatory. )

[A beat of silence, and he settles his palms on his knees. Has she noticed he's dropped all the affectation, all of the cutesy, happy "Mama" act?]

No. It's actually the opposite. I know I've got a lot to learn from you.

[He looks at her.]

You're kind, patient, generous, and authentic. I'm... [Well.] None of the above, Shizuku. Look, that's gotta stay between us, but I'm telling you because I think it's going to get you hurt.

( of course she has. it wouldn't do to keep that sort of attitude while discussing this. and it feels more natural of him- she's not sure if she likes that, if only for what it means for him. )

... Is the reason you think this sort of thing- is it because of what the profile says?

( and he's worried about hurting her... shizuku shakes her head. )

Madara. They aren't going to give us a choice on being hurt or not. I'd rather be with someone I know will comfort me and wants to keep me safe- and you can't say that that isn't what this is, when you're focusing so much on how I will be hurt.

[She will get hurt. They learned that the first day. Madara can't do anything about it, that he knows of... not that it's stopped him from trying. Innocent people don't deserve this, and she just doesn't seem like the sort of person who would fake being this way. She's genuinely caring.

He can't fathom why that's being directed at him. Why she's his partner. She deserves better. That's obvious to him.]

Well, at least you've got that much right about me. [A small smile.] Even if I can't keep you safe, I'll be here after it all. Maybe it's because we're both idols, but I really couldn't live with myself if this place messed you up.

[Looking away again.]

Earlier... I could feel how scared you were when we got shocked by the bomb. I'm no saint. I wanted to turn around and fight the people in charge right then and there. I guess that's what I'm getting at. Sooner or later, I might fight the powers-that-be, or at least give it a shot. I don't know what'll happen to you then. I'm not a very cautious guy.

But you didn't. You focused on getting us through things, and you held me while I was collecting myself.

( that has to count for something, doesn't it? ... shizuku reaches over and gently squeezes his hand in hers. )

I don't think you're the monster you seem to think you are. And I won't hear anything about "being wrong" or anything like that. I'm not a strong person- I'm not someone who fights. I would rather run away if danger comes our way, and I'd rather you be with me at that time. So... if you're not cautious, let me be cautious for you?

( of course, that requires him listening, doesn't it. )

[Her taking his hand has about the effect of making him feel like he's been slapped, and there's a nice little emotional jolt for Shizuku there.]

Shizuku... You don't know me. You don't know what I am, so please don't tell yourself I'm worth all this effort and kindness. I'm not going to back down if it comes to it, even if you'll get hurt.

[He turns his hand over, and runs an idle thumb over her hand.]

I'm sorry. I wish I was the kind of person you think I am. I'm not a hero; I'm not a good guy. I'm--[it's not his word here]--selfish. And a jerk. I want you to know that now, so you're not surprised later.

Edited 2022-05-31 03:15 (UTC)

( shizuku almost winces, but doesn't let go. if anything, she returns the affection herself. )

I don't. But everything you're saying- all of your reasoning- speaks volumes in and of itself.

( i'm going to hurt you. you'll get hurt. you deserve better than me. )

For all that you claim selfishness, you've been prioritizing me this entire time.

[He smiles, a bit sadly.]

Maybe I just don't want to see a cute girl cry. Besides, we're idols. We better look out for each other, or nobody will. You know how it is in the industry.

[He doesn't know how much she absolutely knows that.]

If I can't protect you, or if I do something stupid and get you hurt, you don't have to forgive me. Just getting that out of the way.

I do. Perhaps more than most might.

( for a moment, she thinks back to cheerful*days. "she doesn't even do anything." "we're way better dancers than her, but she's pretty... guess that's all you need these days."

all sorts of things, progressively nastier. her heart hurts and she can't help but glance up at madara guiltily before looking away again. )

... What I'm sure you just got from me.... I don't hate the people who made me feel like that. I'm sure many would... but I don't. And if you somehow 'fail me'... I won't hate you, either.

Though, it seems like you want me to.

[That actually gets a legitimate laugh out of him, though not a derisive one. It's almost sheepish.]

It'd be a lot easier on me if you hated me, it's true. [Because he doesn't care for himself, really, despite his best efforts.] But unfortunately for me... [Sigh.] Now I want to hurt whoever did that to you, too. Nobody deserves to feel like that.

[Especially not someone as kind and good as Shizuku so obviously is.]

Unfortunately, as much as I want things to be easier for you, that's not the way I'm willing to go about it. You'll have to simply deal with that.

( said oh-so cheerfully! )

... Airi yelled at them. And despite what they wanted, I'm still singing. So it's enough. You wouldn't need to do anything. ... And after this, I'll still sing, too.

I guess I'll find a way to cope!

[He's been put in his place, then! Well, sort of. At least he gets now that she's not weak at all, despite how much he wanted to think of himself as that much stronger.]

You sure will. And beautifully, at that!

[He meant to tell her after the pep rally that he thought she was very skilled, but things got a little wild, didn't they?]

I like Airi. You better tell her I said that.

[And perhaps it's not the time for this, but he lets her hand loose and pulls Shizuku into a sort of sideways bear hug.]

Oh, I will... but I think, with how we're all from different worlds... maybe it'd be possible to stay in touch? If we can, you can tell her, too.

( week one and she's already thinking about this... )

--Oh! Ehe, this is much nicer, isn't it?

( a hug and laughter, compared to just minutes before? maybe she settles against him too easily, smiling up at him. )

Did you see, by the way? Florence helped me put up a curtain... I had asked for a partition or something, and it's not the most elegant- ( it's blankets from the bookstore. e.u. and everything. ) -but I'd rather you be able to use your bed.

Thanks, Shizuku. I still don't think I'm worth all those nice words, but I'll hold on to them anyway. Especially if we stay in touch after this. Can't go back home empty-handed, right?

[Seriously, he's kind of a sucker for the guy who power-of-friendship-ed Kanata... And insanely jealous of him, sure! He never thought it'd actually get turned on him by anyone, considering he is absolutely the guy to avoid back home.

But there's a little fire in Shizuku that he can't help respecting.]

I saw, I saw. Actually, considering that, and all of this... if you want me to sleep in here, I will. We just can't tell anybody back home!

[He'd rather be steps away than down the hall, honestly.]

If you get super scared, I'll be here. I doubt anybody else here will let me hug them when they're scared, so you've got special privileges!

It would be rather silly to think it impossible... I've seen some pretty unbelievable things!

( a special song on her phone lets her go to a pocket dimension and talk to vocaloids as her therapists, for starters. ... and, uh, until this week that was about it actually! but still! that's pretty wild!

and as madara finally concedes to not sleeping on the couch- who knows what's been on those! also! your back!!!!- shizuku smiles in relief. )

Good. I've been worried, you know. ... I'm sure there's lots of things about all of this people can't know... this is probably the most innocent, really. And I'll have to use those privileges wisely, hm?

[He'll love hearing about that. He will. Truly. And then he will never tell her about Yumenosaki. Well, okay, he might tell her about Rei, but just the apocryphal fun stuff.

She smiles, and he definitely, absolutely has a moment where he just smiles back. He wants to say "don't worry about me!" but she already vetoed that, so.]

Thanks. I mean it. Not many people spend a whole lot of time worrying about me, other than maybe my partner back home.

[If he's talked about idol things, it's been in vague terms or general terms, certainly he hasn't mentioned he had a partner.]

And I think I just piss him off. Sooo, I'll be careful not to make you mad! I bet you're really tough when you're angry~

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