theafflicted | 🎉🎉🎉

[A beat of silence, and he settles his palms on his knees. Has she noticed he's dropped all the affectation, all of the cutesy, happy "Mama" act?]

No. It's actually the opposite. I know I've got a lot to learn from you.

[He looks at her.]

You're kind, patient, generous, and authentic. I'm... [Well.] None of the above, Shizuku. Look, that's gotta stay between us, but I'm telling you because I think it's going to get you hurt.

( of course she has. it wouldn't do to keep that sort of attitude while discussing this. and it feels more natural of him- she's not sure if she likes that, if only for what it means for him. )

... Is the reason you think this sort of thing- is it because of what the profile says?

( and he's worried about hurting her... shizuku shakes her head. )

Madara. They aren't going to give us a choice on being hurt or not. I'd rather be with someone I know will comfort me and wants to keep me safe- and you can't say that that isn't what this is, when you're focusing so much on how I will be hurt.

[She will get hurt. They learned that the first day. Madara can't do anything about it, that he knows of... not that it's stopped him from trying. Innocent people don't deserve this, and she just doesn't seem like the sort of person who would fake being this way. She's genuinely caring.

He can't fathom why that's being directed at him. Why she's his partner. She deserves better. That's obvious to him.]

Well, at least you've got that much right about me. [A small smile.] Even if I can't keep you safe, I'll be here after it all. Maybe it's because we're both idols, but I really couldn't live with myself if this place messed you up.

[Looking away again.]

Earlier... I could feel how scared you were when we got shocked by the bomb. I'm no saint. I wanted to turn around and fight the people in charge right then and there. I guess that's what I'm getting at. Sooner or later, I might fight the powers-that-be, or at least give it a shot. I don't know what'll happen to you then. I'm not a very cautious guy.

But you didn't. You focused on getting us through things, and you held me while I was collecting myself.

( that has to count for something, doesn't it? ... shizuku reaches over and gently squeezes his hand in hers. )

I don't think you're the monster you seem to think you are. And I won't hear anything about "being wrong" or anything like that. I'm not a strong person- I'm not someone who fights. I would rather run away if danger comes our way, and I'd rather you be with me at that time. So... if you're not cautious, let me be cautious for you?

( of course, that requires him listening, doesn't it. )

[Her taking his hand has about the effect of making him feel like he's been slapped, and there's a nice little emotional jolt for Shizuku there.]

Shizuku... You don't know me. You don't know what I am, so please don't tell yourself I'm worth all this effort and kindness. I'm not going to back down if it comes to it, even if you'll get hurt.

[He turns his hand over, and runs an idle thumb over her hand.]

I'm sorry. I wish I was the kind of person you think I am. I'm not a hero; I'm not a good guy. I'm--[it's not his word here]--selfish. And a jerk. I want you to know that now, so you're not surprised later.

Edited 2022-05-31 03:15 (UTC)

( shizuku almost winces, but doesn't let go. if anything, she returns the affection herself. )

I don't. But everything you're saying- all of your reasoning- speaks volumes in and of itself.

( i'm going to hurt you. you'll get hurt. you deserve better than me. )

For all that you claim selfishness, you've been prioritizing me this entire time.

[He smiles, a bit sadly.]

Maybe I just don't want to see a cute girl cry. Besides, we're idols. We better look out for each other, or nobody will. You know how it is in the industry.

[He doesn't know how much she absolutely knows that.]

If I can't protect you, or if I do something stupid and get you hurt, you don't have to forgive me. Just getting that out of the way.

I do. Perhaps more than most might.

( for a moment, she thinks back to cheerful*days. "she doesn't even do anything." "we're way better dancers than her, but she's pretty... guess that's all you need these days."

all sorts of things, progressively nastier. her heart hurts and she can't help but glance up at madara guiltily before looking away again. )

... What I'm sure you just got from me.... I don't hate the people who made me feel like that. I'm sure many would... but I don't. And if you somehow 'fail me'... I won't hate you, either.

Though, it seems like you want me to.

[That actually gets a legitimate laugh out of him, though not a derisive one. It's almost sheepish.]

It'd be a lot easier on me if you hated me, it's true. [Because he doesn't care for himself, really, despite his best efforts.] But unfortunately for me... [Sigh.] Now I want to hurt whoever did that to you, too. Nobody deserves to feel like that.

[Especially not someone as kind and good as Shizuku so obviously is.]

Unfortunately, as much as I want things to be easier for you, that's not the way I'm willing to go about it. You'll have to simply deal with that.

( said oh-so cheerfully! )

... Airi yelled at them. And despite what they wanted, I'm still singing. So it's enough. You wouldn't need to do anything. ... And after this, I'll still sing, too.

I guess I'll find a way to cope!

[He's been put in his place, then! Well, sort of. At least he gets now that she's not weak at all, despite how much he wanted to think of himself as that much stronger.]

You sure will. And beautifully, at that!

[He meant to tell her after the pep rally that he thought she was very skilled, but things got a little wild, didn't they?]

I like Airi. You better tell her I said that.

[And perhaps it's not the time for this, but he lets her hand loose and pulls Shizuku into a sort of sideways bear hug.]

Oh, I will... but I think, with how we're all from different worlds... maybe it'd be possible to stay in touch? If we can, you can tell her, too.

( week one and she's already thinking about this... )

--Oh! Ehe, this is much nicer, isn't it?

( a hug and laughter, compared to just minutes before? maybe she settles against him too easily, smiling up at him. )

Did you see, by the way? Florence helped me put up a curtain... I had asked for a partition or something, and it's not the most elegant- ( it's blankets from the bookstore. e.u. and everything. ) -but I'd rather you be able to use your bed.

Thanks, Shizuku. I still don't think I'm worth all those nice words, but I'll hold on to them anyway. Especially if we stay in touch after this. Can't go back home empty-handed, right?

[Seriously, he's kind of a sucker for the guy who power-of-friendship-ed Kanata... And insanely jealous of him, sure! He never thought it'd actually get turned on him by anyone, considering he is absolutely the guy to avoid back home.

But there's a little fire in Shizuku that he can't help respecting.]

I saw, I saw. Actually, considering that, and all of this... if you want me to sleep in here, I will. We just can't tell anybody back home!

[He'd rather be steps away than down the hall, honestly.]

If you get super scared, I'll be here. I doubt anybody else here will let me hug them when they're scared, so you've got special privileges!

It would be rather silly to think it impossible... I've seen some pretty unbelievable things!

( a special song on her phone lets her go to a pocket dimension and talk to vocaloids as her therapists, for starters. ... and, uh, until this week that was about it actually! but still! that's pretty wild!

and as madara finally concedes to not sleeping on the couch- who knows what's been on those! also! your back!!!!- shizuku smiles in relief. )

Good. I've been worried, you know. ... I'm sure there's lots of things about all of this people can't know... this is probably the most innocent, really. And I'll have to use those privileges wisely, hm?

[He'll love hearing about that. He will. Truly. And then he will never tell her about Yumenosaki. Well, okay, he might tell her about Rei, but just the apocryphal fun stuff.

She smiles, and he definitely, absolutely has a moment where he just smiles back. He wants to say "don't worry about me!" but she already vetoed that, so.]

Thanks. I mean it. Not many people spend a whole lot of time worrying about me, other than maybe my partner back home.

[If he's talked about idol things, it's been in vague terms or general terms, certainly he hasn't mentioned he had a partner.]

And I think I just piss him off. Sooo, I'll be careful not to make you mad! I bet you're really tough when you're angry~

Well, you're stuck with me so I hope you can learn to enjoy it.

( as if to make a point, she even loosely holds onto his arm, settled nice and cozily.

shizuku you are going to kill this man, actually? like. for real. )

... I don't know if it's true, or if you're just being self-deprecating. But if it is... you're working together, and for a wonderful purpose. Maybe you need to sit down and have a talk like this with him, too.

( no comment on shizuku being angry. i genuinely cannot recall a moment of shizuku anger in canon yet. help. )

I'm already enjoying it more than I thought I would.

[A rare moment of complete honesty. And she is just... holding his arm? Like that? He's not opposed to that at all. In fact, it makes him lean into it conspiratorially.

He wants to tell her about them. All of them. His voice drops in volume and tone slightly.]

We had a talk before I came here... Like, right before, a couple of weeks ago, I guess. I think it's the first time I was ever super honest with him. It's kind of like having the rug ripped out from under me.

[He was honestly completely happy. For the first time in a very, very long time.]

I'm sure you miss your group, too! You say suuuch nice things about them.

I do. ... Them, and my family. I've never been away from them for so long...

( there's a twinge of longing, fear and anxiety- but shizuku pushes it down quickly, so as to not burden either of them. )

... I'm glad that it sounds like things are improving for you and your partner though. I hope you can continue on that path, after this.

It'll be like the blink of an eye by the time we're done. Neither one of us is allowed to lose hope or sight of the goal.

[He feels that and puts a hand over hers.]

Hey. You don't have to be brave or anything. If you're scared, or worried, or whatever, just let it happen for a minute. It won't do you any good to bite it back. You don't have to try to be a hero for my sake.

I don't want to trouble you, though. And... I haven't been a very good idol this week, have I? I've been letting my worries show enough already. I'm supposed to be one who cheers people up, not the one needing it.

( she can't let people down, it's illegal even. ... well, not really. but it does make her feel pretty worthless. )

[He nudges her a bit.]

I know idols are supposed to be perfect and all, but if you can't trust a fellow idol to hold on to your worries, who can you trust? [He grins.] Well, don't trust the shitty ones. But you can at least let me cheer you up, the same way you can cheer me up.

( what- no don't perceive her, madara, she's trying to be brave! )

I know... but at the same time, I know what I feel effects you too. I don't like the idea that me getting homesick could wind up upsetting you.

[She's doing great.]

And I don't like the idea that I'm deeeefinitely reckless to get you hurt, but we didn't really pick this place or situation, soooo... I guess we just have to do our best!

Mm... I suppose we will.

( but after all that, she's a little tired... so don't mind her just. leaning on you, madara. and wow is she glad she's long since changed to her 'jammies' because standing up sounds... mmm... Bad. )

... I think we'll be fine, though...

[The leaning is... well, unexpected. But he doesn't let himself mind it. She's gentle and needs protecting, after all.]

I think you'll be more fine after some good sleep.

[And he reaches up to gently stroke her hair.]

You did good today. And tomorrow we'll keep moving forward.

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