theafflicted | 🎉🎉🎉

... I suppose that's because the mics force people's hearts to change and you'd like it if your words did that naturally without the help of those things. I think that should naturally be the goal of any author, but after hearing about the place you came from, it sounds a lot more meaningful. Thank you for sharing all that with me.

[ Hien seems quite satisfied at Gentaro's aspiration and with his own curiosity. ]

You are quite welcome.

[ Gentaro is, truly, most at ease when he speaks of his work and its effects on those who read it. In his heart of hearts, he wants nothing more than to spare someone from their worries and loneliness, even for just the time they spend with his novels.

But everything else... he's far more cynical about the world. He just doesn't see the point in telling Hien. ]

Thank you, too, for listening to me. If I may... you are a very good listener. Have you considered pioneering a profession in it?

I actually did consider it before, but... I don't think it's my calling. I would normally want to be involved and help solve any problem I could get my hands on.

[ Normally. By his tone, it can be inferred that Hien doesn't do that anymore. ]

And that's not what a listener should do.

[ A nod. He can understand that. His tone does pique his interest, but... anyway. ]

Mm. I agree. [ And here's one of those rare moments when Gentaro lets himself be a little more honest. ] To simply stand by when one could contribute... that is something I cannot accept.

Sometimes, it's better not to contribute, because leaving it alone would end up in a guaranteed better result.

[ He knows Gentaro feels strongly about being a bystander when you can do something about it, but only because most other people do as well. That's why Hien adds: ]

Only in some situations, of course. Exceptions arise from time to time. I also think it's better in general for others to help each other, but also being told that the result will be better without my interference despite wanting to help... well, that makes me feel like shit anyway.

[ The logical side of him agrees with Hien, yet... at the same time, he feels emotions so much stronger that it's overwhelming sometimes, and he feels he has no choice but to act. And admittedly, it's what's gotten him in trouble in the past.

His hands rest on the table in front of them, and subtly, Gentaro touches his left wrist. With a slight nod, he regards Hien with a small, almost sardonic smile. ]

Of course. Often, there are times when you cannot act at all. [ A pause. Perhaps we're more similar than I realized, he thinks, but he doesn't give it a voice. How could he, when Gentaro is so hesitant to do him such a disservice? ] Being helpless is frustrating, isn't it?

Very. I hate it very much.

[ Though he says that with the same voice and tone as usual. He's pretty good at keeping control of his emotions when he wants to, and it's more of a habit by now. ]

Though let me ask you one thing. I sincerely want to know your opinion on this:

Let's say there was a situation that you could provide assistance with for the better good.

[ He knows there's "good" in Gentaro somewhere. Maybe it's just a shred of him being optimistic, but he can confidently say that in truth. ]

But the consequences of helping out resulted in a tremendous loss. You might lament. However, another situation arises a little after. You are able to provide assistance, and just like last time, it looks like things will be better if you helped out, but it ended up terribly before, and you know it was directly your fault. No assumptions. No implications.

Therefore, what would you do? Would you help out again?

[ That's a hell of a question.

Gentaro falls quiet for much longer this time. He brings a hand to his mouth as he thinks, and from his expression, he's taking this seriously. Maybe he should lie about what he would do, but Hien's been sincere with him.

He can return the favor, just this once. ]

I would be curious to know what the loss would be.

[ Because his answer depends on that. Gentaro is selfish when stripped down to his bones, and if it were the loss of those he loves, he would refuse. Once, he would have done anything to protect himself. Once, he had refused to reach out, for fear of losing more and more. But--

Dice. Ramuda. And, of course, his-- No, it's not the time to go down that line of thought. Gentaro settles on his answer, turns it over again and again and again, until the jagged edges of his cautious answer have been smoothed out. ]

... I would, yes. [ He looks slightly perturbed, because while it's an answer, it's not truly a complete one. ] Had I the ability to help however is necessary and refused, then I am certain those I care for would be disappointed in some manner. Perhaps that errs on the side of selfish, but it would be for more than simply their perception of me.

[ He's known loss, so much of it, and his worldview is terribly cynical, but that's why he works so hard to lift spirits with his work. He might be jaded, but he doesn't want others to feel that way, too. ]

[ Hien nods. Even though Hien judges things a lot, this is one thing he doesn't seem to have a judgmental eye for. In fact, his expression remains the same. ]

Of course, it would be a general situation, therefore stakes would be higher in whichever loss weighs heavier for you.

[ So having Gentaro imagine it is much better. ]

But thank you for answering such a heavy-loaded question. I know it wasn't easy.

[ He nods to him. As uncomfortable as it is to even think of losing Dice and Ramuda and him--

There's no need to dwell on that, because Gentaro would never, ever allow it. ]

It was an interesting exercise. If I may pose the same question to you?

[ It's only fair, after all. ]

Sure.

[ Yeah, that's fair. Hien is all for information exchange. ]

In regards to that, I have. And I did. I kept trying, and trying.

[ His voice sounds like it gets a little quieter, but his volume is normal when he takes a brief pause. ]

The reason why I asked that question... is because I was wondering if anyone else would be willing to suffer through that voluntarily.

[ There's no mocking in his tone. He wouldn't. Not for a question like this. ]

[ ... hm. Gentaro, admittedly, is surprised at himself for admitting all that he has. Maybe it's just how Hien is--able to coax vulnerability out. Of course, he can't know for sure.

But it would be fascinating to find out. It would be a great deal more preferable, too; now, Gentaro's looking the fact that he's lost so much already right in the face. If he ever returns home (because people with power are cruel and can be corrupted easily; what's stopping Lorelei from keeping them here indefinitely?) and finds he's lost even more--

He cuts that train of thought off, chokes it back and shoves it down where it belongs. After taking a breath, Gentaro gives him the slightest smile. It's more than a little sardonic, but that's not aimed at Hien at all. ]

For those of us who have had more than their share of suffering, what is a little bit more?

An additional burden.

[ He says that without hesitation, but his voice is soft as if it's a delicate topic. ]

Then the people who have had their share of suffering will only incur more suffering. That line of thinking encourages you to stack more and more, until you can't take it anymore and break.

[ He fiddles with his fork between his fingers like he would for a pen. ]

And if you think you're broken, you're not broken enough. Being capable of rational thought means you're still holding yourself together somehow. That's why, I personally, would reject that notion on anyone, especially with limited lifespans.

[ He feels extremely called out, but Hien is tactful about it. He doesn't feel offended or vaguely threatened like he had with Owen. Rather... he listens, and maybe Hien has a point.

Gentaro would say the same for anyone else, especially those he cares for. To internalize it, though, to turn it inward and give himself that sort of kindness... he's not nearly that fond of himself.

He isn't about to give voice to that, though. Instead, his expression is gently thoughtful as he considers Hien and what he says. ]

You afford people an impressive amount of kindness. It is not a bad thing, of course. [ Far from it. Gentaro wishes he could see things the way Hien can, but to allow that would mean opening himself up to the possibility of being hurt again and again. ] In my experience, most people would not share your view.

Perhaps if they did, the world would be a kinder place.

... Maybe it would.

[ His expression is stable and neutral as it has been for the entire conversation. ]

Maybe it wouldn't. I am not one for what-ifs myself, because I would be wasting time thinking about something that hasn't even happened yet, or come into being. My view is... odd. I may be kind now, and be violent without good reason tomorrow. I may look like I am peace now, but extremely troubled tomorrow. I can be anything. I'm everything. They're all me, parts of me—the Self.

[ He quietly breathes out. ]

So I hope that you remember that the part of you that tries so hard is worth caring for—and to nourish it is very productive to your endgoals.

[ aka take care of yourself and treat yourself well

Gentaro didn't say it, but Hien knows many people don't. He may not know Gentaro that well regarding personality, but he's willing to bet that Gentaro is one of them. ]

[ ... He hasn't felt so unbalanced in a very, very long time. It's almost enough for him to keep his distance completely. He feels old instincts kick in; Ramuda and Dice had been the exception to his habit of turning and running from the things that hit too close to home.

It may just be the conversation; maybe he had revealed too much, but there are some things he will not lie about. Still, a weight settles on his chest, unsettling him and making him want to withdraw. He shows none of that. Gentaro is a practiced liar, after all. If there's one thing he's very good at, it's boxing up those unpleasant emotions and burning them to ashes.

What strikes him the most is that Gentaro can relate. He's quiet, mulling over Hien's words. His endgoals-- ]

Do you truly think it is odd? As you said, it is part of you. To call someone's very being odd is quite the disservice. It is our quirks that make us unique. If one must land on "odd," however...

That makes the world more exciting. If we were all the same, it would be a horribly dull existence.

[ Fling Posse is made up of "odd" people. Gentaro wouldn't have it any other way. And to the last part of what Hien says... ]

... You are quite the insightful person, Hien. I suppose that is bound to happen when you've lived for a very long time.

"Every person is unique. Therefore, no one is."... something like that. People having diverse personalities are what puts me at ease. They have a sense of individual self.

[ So in turn, denying yourself would irritate Hien quickly, but mostly it's because of his concept part of his existence. ]

They grow. They learn. As you said, it makes the world a more exciting place. Differences breed conflicts, which gives value to the time of peace. The works. The insight that you claim that I have is me being what I am—the metaphysical concept of the Self. It covers a wide range of things such as desire, personalities, sense of survival... anything that has to do with what makes you, you.

[ So Hien has been having forced case studies of an infinite number of people for god knows how long. ]

... It's complicated. For the reason why I say my views are odd, is that...

[ Hm. ]

While I may be the Self, I was also created from Destruction.

[ So maybe Hien is self-destructive............ yet he has all this to say. ]

[ ... A sense of individual self.

Somehow, he's stumbled into a discussion he'd rather avoid. It's subtle, but his expression shifts to something just a touch more guarded. That serene look is still very much in place, but.... ]

The most meaningful things are quite complicated, in my experience.

[ He glances away. How strange, to have such a conversation when he's wearing clothes that don't quite suit him, when he has glitter in his hair. Gentaro folds his arms across his chest before looking back at Hien. ]

While you may be born of Destruction and we may not know each other well, I see you no differently. "I only know you."

[ Despite the topic, despite all the complicated feelings he's got all jumbled up, the corners of his lips curve upward. ]

As far as I see it, destruction is never the end. Many times, there is meaning and beauty in what follows after. It gives value to the time of peace, as someone once told me. [ a quiet chuckle. ] That is quite the long-winded way of saying that our meeting, even in a place like this, is meaningful to me.

[ ...

Hien ends up smiling a little at that. ]

That's a very valued thought process. I hope you will treasure it. I'm glad that this meeting meant something to you, because it did for me too.

🎉🎉🎉

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